Tuesday, December 06, 2005 ______________________________________________________________________________

3 Good Reasons I Should Not Have Kids 

I was just sitting down after having played with my dinner and I had an epiphany. As of now unless something changes, I am not fit to have kids.

Reason #1: I don't do anything I have to do until after it has to be done.
The prime example of this would be my cats' water and litter box. But wait Joie! Didn't you say you had a self-filtering cat fountain and an automatic self-cleaning litterbox? Yes. I do. Which makes this alot worse than if the average person didn't perform these tasks. Cleaning my litterbox means taking the plastic bag full of cat waste and throwing it away, then adding more litter. It doesn't involve messy scooping, having to wash it out while enduring the stink of cat piss, nothing. Cleaning out my cat fountain just means rinsing and refilling the fountain once a week (technically once every fortnight or less because Jim shares in these duties as well). When it's Jim's turn to clean the litterbox/fountain he does it promptly. I leave both receptacles until the cats start drinking water out of our glasses at dinner time and standing next to the litterbox and meowing pointedly for a few days before I get around to doing it. Can you imagine what the state of my hypothetical kid's diaper would be like?

Reason #2: The Buchanan Tower Elevator Incident
The Buchanan Tower houses several departments, including English. There are 12 floors (hence "Tower") and an ancient elevator system with signs above the three doors saying "This Car Next" that light up to indicate which doors to stand in front of. The buttons are metal and give ever so slightly when you push them, emitting an elegant [bIp] sound. They even have a border of red that lights up to indicate that it already has been pushed. Yesterday I had to go to the English main office to hand in a late term paper (on how Lyra in Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials Trilogy and Hermione in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series reinforce negative female stereotypes). The office was on the 3rd floor, enough to justify taking the lift. Those buttons! Oh those seductive buttons! On my return to the ground floor I pressed ALL THE BUTTONS! BUAHAHAHAHAHA! only to find quite a few people in the lobby who were all waiting for the lift. the "this car next" sign even had them all lined up ready to enter. i mean - classes were over! who would've thought there would be so many people in buchanan tower? I pulled the hood over my head and ran. Now is this a person you would give a kid to? I think not.

Reason #3: My...uh..."Eating Habits"
Jimmy went to have dinner with his dad tonight who has a broken arm (Brian, not Jim) so I had dinner by myself. After playing with my food for a while I threw it out and opened a bag of Christie Crunchers (which is a crunchy snack that has more than 70% less fat that potato chips and no trans fats) and proceeded to lick the seasoning off each chip. I didn't go through the whole bag, mainly because dinner was rather unappetizing and so I didn't really feel like eating anything else. I still had a neat little pile of plain crunchers sitting in front of me though. I quickly swept this disgraceful evidence into a styrofoam container that used to hold Chinese delivery (from Hon's) and promptly threw it in the trash. See, with this I wouldn't be able to tell kids to (a) stop playing with [their] food or (b) not to lick the good stuff off something and then throw it away because that would make me a hypocrite. I don't like hypocrites and I refuse to be one. On the other hand, kids are slobbery and sloppy enough without someone who doesn't enforce proper mealtime etiquette.

So there. 3 very good reasons why I'm probably not going to have any kids. Besides, now that this is in print on the world wide web I doubly cannot have kids - what if they grow up one day and read this? That would be the end of parenting as we know it. Following that line of thought, I wonder what kids who see their parents on Maury doing the whole "You are not the father"/"You are the father" turn out like. Then again, those kids probably have so many things stacked against them that there are just too many confounding factors to consider when assessing the impact of this particular incident for there to be a conclusive answer. Oh well.

posted by Joie! at 6:00 p.m.


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