Wednesday, April 19, 2006 ______________________________________________________________________________

My mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch... 

Joie1: ...She's a bitch to all the boys and girls! *bows* Thank you, thank you.

Joie2: Great Joie. That was very highbrow. Very classy, very mature. Nice, Joie, nice.

Joie1: Look, I would've put the whole song in but blogger has a limit on post title lengths. Besides, you know she is.

Joie2: Yes, but....

Joie1: But what? I mean shit man, I'm still smarting from the weekend.

Joie2: You know you shouldn't dwell on it, she can't do anything to you if you don't...

Joie1: Shut up. You suck. You're dwelling on it too. I mean you're the one who actually earned those grades, I just announced them when they arrived.

Joie2: Well, yes. And I don't think the world needs to know again how well I'm doing academically.

Joie1: Or about the other things besides raw grades you're doing to massage your grad school application into nice shape.

Joie2: *blush* well, yes. No thanks to you, you port drinking lush.

Joie1: Hey man, that port was not my fault. I was just going to buy some sherry when that friendly liquor store employee started asking me if I needed help.

Joie2: You could've said no.

Joie1: But he's gay, and you know they have great taste, I wanted to see what he would suggest...and his suggestion turned out great.

Joie2: Which is why you're fucking chain drinking it.

Joie1: Well, not exactly chain drinking...Hey! You! Don't change the subject. We're here because mom's a bitch. She's a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls! (in D minor)

Joie2: Look just because she made some snide comments, with that big innocent look on her face, in front of everyone so you couldn't respond by calling her a bitch. Goddamn it, you're right, she is a bitch.

Joie1: Ah-ha! You think so too.

Joie2: Because, now that I think about it more, it was so damn uncalled for. I mean just because I mentioned to dad that he needn't really pull strings to get me into the Master's program of choice and just because she's bitter because she never made it into any university (and really, instead of blaming it on the fact that she couldn't get in, she dwells on the fact that her dad couldn't afford to send her to one of those American universities that take in just anybody if they paid tuition) and that she dropped out of the Open university (for crying out loud, it's frigging adult education, you can't flunk out of that university - it is one of those places that you can get a degree from if you just pay the tuition...) she takes it upon herself to be mean and snippy when it comes to my academic success.

Joie1: Whoa there, you might wanna breathe a little.

Joie2: Fuck man, what the fuck was with her implying that I was too shit to make it anywhere without dad's help? What the hell did she think she was playing at telling me that she was "too scared to look at my grades" and to ask what I've bombed lately. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I may have slacked off this last few weeks but that's only because I can because I have a 90+ average in my Audiology courses and an A average for everything else.

Joie1: The world does not need to hear that again.

Joie2: Oh right. Sorry. But oh man, it was all I could do to not jump over dad in the La-z-boy and slap her smug, it-was-just-an-innocent-comment face. Then proceed to grab her by the hair and smack her face into the radiator, again and again and again.

Joie1: Uhh. Ooooookay...

Joie2: She just made me so mad. Thanks for restraining me and mentioning that her comments were unfounded.

Joie1: If I knew what you were planning to do, I might not have held you back.

Joie2: But that was still no excuse for that display of immaturity you just put on.

Joie1: What the hell are you talking about?

Joie2: That comment, on that guy's blog. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE...

Joie1: Oh, you mean Chris Seck? Hey man, that had nothing to do with mom (except maybe the fact that her upbringing is not condusive to playing well with others).

Joie2: What has he ever done to you?

Joie1: Well, he's chauvenistic, mysogynistic and he's one of those people who thinks he's really smart because he can sustain a thought for an extended period of time. Of course those thoughts are merely pompous and not actually insightful. How he does go on and on, it's like masturbating in public the way he espouses his opinions.

Joie2: You know, it is his blog which means he's entitled to write whatever the hell he wants to on it. Besides, you don't actually have to read it.

Joie1: But it's like a car crash on the highway. Or those Maury shows where the dregs of society run dozens of men through paternity tests without actually finding the father of their child, or Jerry Springer transvestite specials. You just can't look away, even though you know you should. At any rate, the comment's there and there's nothing you or I can do about it.

Joie2: You know, you might be able to login and edit or delete the...

Joie1: NOTHING YOU OR I CAN DO ABOUT IT...

Joie2: Aiight, your call. Afterall, you are the epitome of maturity...


posted by Joie! at 8:49 PM

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Friday, April 14, 2006 ______________________________________________________________________________

Easter Eggs and Bunny Rabbits 

I didn't expect to get today off seeing as how I have my honours thesis to work on and two exams to study for. Technically, I could be working on any one of those things right now. I just don't want to study for exams this far in advance of them (because then I'll forget the finer details) and while I can write the Introduction, Methods and part of the Discussion for my thesis, I don't think you're really supposed to before any analysis of the data has been done. Sure, that's all supposed to go into the Results section, but what is in the Results section is supposed to have an influence on the rest of the paper. I suppose I could write the Introduction, but I don't feel like it. As for data analysis, I can't move forward until I have a certain Matlab script which is being worked on right now, but is not ready for my use.

Graduation is ridiculously close, and the anticipation of being free from all the trappings of being a student (free time untainted by things I should otherwise be doing, ability to take on jobs without having to worry about other scheduled activities, etc.) is driving me plumb crazy. I just want to be done. I just want to be touring SE Asia without a care in the world (especially because on my to-do list this week is to look up the appropriate travel vaccinations).

It just turned 2 o'clock and the show I had on TV ended. Flipping through the channels, I stopped at YTV because I thought I saw VeggieTales. I didn't think that was possible considering that VeggieTales is non-secular and YTV is just some junky throwaway kids' channel - I outgrew YTV programming so long ago that it's not even funny. VeggieTales is great, right now they're showing the only VeggieTales movie I know of - the story of Jonah. Speaking of Jonah, I wish I still had a copy of this performance piece about Jonah that I wrote during church camp (basically teams were supposed to perform a short skit at the end of the camp based on the theme of the camp, which that year was - can you guess? - Jonah). Written in iambic pentameter with AABB rhyme scheme (and quite funny, if I may say so myself) I can't say that I've written anything cleverer. It was written in pencil on Save the Earth A4 lined paper, but I'm pretty sure I made an electronic version. If any of you out there have it (this would've been back in '98 at least) forward it along to me, k?

You know, when I digress that badly, you can tell that I really don't have much to say. In my defence, the reason I don't have anything to say is that I'm stuck in that limbo that is the time before I'm free from academic obligations. As yet, I'm not really able to start any crochet projects, singing classes, renewed attempts at learning how to knit competently - anything I am truly interested in doing, really, until my exams are over and my thesis is written. I'm not frantically studying for my exams or writing my thesis for the reasons already mentioned in the first paragraph. So I'm in stasis, limbo, purgatory. That no man's land between what you're supposed to be doing and what you want to be doing. It's flat terrain, empty and boring and therefore there's nothing to write about. To add insult to injury, the TV shows that I'm watching right now are uniteresting. I can't wait for all of this to be over.

I guess while I'm waiting, I'm going to watch the Eagle Cam: it's a live feed of an Eagle's Nest (right now it's just eggs, and the mama comes by to sit on them every once in a while) on Hornby Island, BC.

Oh alright, how about I edit (more like transplant) my last post?


posted by Joie! at 1:55 PM

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006 ______________________________________________________________________________

Replacement Meme 

The more I read that meme the more unhappy I am with it. It was obviously written by some 13 year old (there was one line that read "I have tried alcohol" - think about it for a second) and it was long, and I'm willing to wager that most people stopped reading halfway through. It was my own meme and I couldn't read it all in one shot. It was just so irrelevant and immature. However, I didn't want to just remove the meme and leave a gaping hole in my blog. So contrary to what I usually do, I've trawled the web for some more interesting memes and am going to present one of them here. The other I'm saving for when I have enough. You'll know what I'm talking about when I get there (this "other one" is interactive too, that should get you excited).

The iTunes Oracle Meme
In this one, I put my iTunes on shuffle. These questions are answered by the songs in the order they are played.

How am I feeling today?
Not Ready to Go - The Trews
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good start. "It's neverending, as far as I know...I should be leaving, but I'm not ready to go" is a good way to describe my current feelings. Goddamn it, I want it to end, but apparently, I'm not ready to go. Maybe I really should start getting ready to go by actually working on my honours thesis, but I'm just "crazy, drunk and stoned". I wish.

Will I get far in life?
Jivin' With Dal - Michael Kaeshammer
The Delphic oracle was famously cryptic, so too is the iTunes one, apparently (for reference this is a piano jazz piece that is best described as acrobatic - no vocals). I guess it's trying to say that it doesn't matter if I will get far in life, or by what measure, as long as I'm jazzin' and jivin' all the way. Yeah, alright, sure.

How do my friends see me?
London Rain - Heather Nova
Apparently all of you would like to sleep naked with me because of my fabled healing powers. Wow guys, thanks. I'm really touched.

Where will I get Married?
Runaway - The Corrs
Seriously guys, I can't make this up. Sorry for all of you who were holding out for a formal ceremony with reception after. Turns out I'm probably going to elope and get hitched somewhere far away from everyone else. I will, however provide a forwarding address for all those gifts.

What is my best friend's theme song?
Best Of All Possible Worlds - The Little Willies
I have to say that Jim is my best friend, not because it's the "correct" thing to say but because he really is. (All together now: AWWWWWWW). For those of you unfamiliar with the song, it's about a guy who's down and out, but still thinks everything's alright because "there's still a lot of wine and lonely girls/in this best of all possible worlds". Make of that what you will.

What is the story of my life?
Turn Me On - Norah Jones
This meme just gets better and better. "I'm just sitting here waiting for you/To come home and turn me on" - is this before or after all my friends have slept in the same bed as me unclothed?

What is/was highschool like?
Song for the Asking - Simon and Garfunkel
All that time I was just waiting for someone to come and ask me, acknowledge that I had something to give. I guess. You tell me what you think it means. :P

How can I get ahead in life?
Shoot the Moon - Norah Jones
See, the title makes sense. Shoot the Moon, get ahead in life. But the song is about shooting the moon and missing. I guess I can just take the title and run with it. I'm just glad that the song that came up for this question wasn't "Sonny Came Home"...

What is the best thing about me?
Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace
That I'm tantalizingly memorable? That's really sweet, but if you think about it, you're hardly likely to forget someone with whom you've shared a naked nap with.

What is today going to be like?
88 Lines about 44 Women - They Might Be Giants
Plenty of adult situations with lots of partners. Alright! P.S. If you've never heard this song, now's the time.

What is in store for this weekend?
Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan
That's a little obvious, isn't it? I guess I can stop fretting about what to serve for tomorrow night's dessert then.

What song describes my parents?
Moment of Weakness - Bif Naked
Fantastic. That's just great. "I stand in the pouring rain/you couldn't even be there to pick me up...truth is - we're not even friends" and yet I keep going back to them. "I should examine my head".

To describe my grandparents?
Another Sunny Day - Belle and Sebastian
Not bad, a happy upbeat song. Last verse is a little troubling: "The lovin is a mess what happened to all of the feeling?...Ghost figures of past, present, future haunting the heart" but I couldn't tell you what iTunes is trying to tell me.

How is my life going?
Asleep on a Sunbeam - Belle and Sebastian
"All I need is somewhere I feel the grass beneath my feet/A walk on sand/A fire, I can warm my hands/My joy will be complete".

What song will they play at my funeral?
Wild Horses - Rolling Stones
It's sentimental, I guess it could be worse.

How does the world see me?
Break Me - Jewel
I'm tantalizing and fragile and I have thorns. Okaaaaay.

Will I have a happy life?
The Girl from Ipanema - Frank Sinatra
See, why couldn't this be the song in answer to the last question? That would have been incredibly flattering, but I don't think anyone would believe that it was an untampered result. I guess the answer to this question though is yes, as long as I'm supposed to be the tall and tan and young and lovely girl. If not, I'm just doomed to a life of unrequited somethings.

What do my friends really think of me?
The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon and Garfunkel
Aw that's nice guys! I thought you only wanted to sleep naked with me. Now I know that you guys think I'm in the present and that you don't want me to miss my flight.

Do people secretly lust after me?
Only in the Past - Be Good Tanyas
Oh very funny. Very very funny. I think I'm hotter now than I ever have been, just for the record Mr. iTunes sir...

How can I make myself happy?
Revolution - The Beatles
Hell YEAH! "We all want to change the world". I knew being an activist was in my future.

What should I do with my life?
Affirmation - Savage Garden
Yes, I'll admit that I have Savage Garden in my song library. So what? At least I don't have Clay Aiken. Alright, I have Clay Aiken, but only two songs. Anyways, I should spend my life providing affirmation, or I should affirm myself. Either way, I agree.

Will I ever have children?
Underneath Your Clothes - Shakira
I'm sorry Mr. iTunes sir, I'm not sure you understood the question. Are you trying to say that I will only have children if I have sex with clothes on? I'll stick with the more traditional methods of contraception, thanks. I hope you're not offended.

What is some good advice for me?
Pie Jesu - Andre Lloyd Webber's version
Oh c'mon now, you're joking right? I guess it couldn't hurt to be a little more spiritual than I am now. The only god I defer to right now is Bacchus, and because of that Mr. iTunes sir might be right in saying that I might want to pray for my liver.

How will I be remembered?
Eleanor Put Your Boots On - Franz Ferdinand
Running and flighty. For the record though, I prefer open-toed shoes.

What is my signature dancing song?
He Said - The Hippos
Upbeat and retro. Someone make me a circle skirt already.

What is my current theme song?
I'll Fly Away - Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch.
Amen sister, amen. If I could, trust me, I would. Right now.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
The Flower Duet - from the opera Lakme
Two priestesses singing a lament? I've always wanted someone to perform this with, but a theme song? You guys don't know me at all! *sob*

What type of men/women do you like?
American Idiot - Green Day
No comment.

Alright guys, this was really fun to do. Just trying to interpret Mr. iTunes sir's answers was a real hoot. C'mon now, you do it too.


posted by Joie! at 11:10 AM

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Saturday, April 01, 2006 ______________________________________________________________________________

Mood: Poop 

It's a grey and rainy day out today. I've got swollen tonsils and an achy body. Craftster.org's been down since this morning. Even though I can still type and read, I don't want to do this assignment that's due in the coming week. The sock I was trying to make for Jim has just self-destructed. I wish this were an April Fool's day joke. It's not.

However, I did have a great idea for a joke, before I decided that it was too mean-spirited. Jim went to work today (overtime, to save up for our vacation this summer, which I have noticed that NO ONE has contributed to AT ALL and the "Donate" button has be up for MORE THAN A YEAR NOW *ahem*) and I figured that I would call him later in the day and tell him that I started feeling really bad and so decided to go to a doctor's. Then tell him that I'm pregnant. I decided against it though. Besides the fact that I'm on the Pill (yes you have a 0.1% chance of getting pregnant on the pill and it does happen) we've been drinking like fish. All bad things to do if you really are pregnant.

Then I thought that I might call Brian and say that I'm pregnant and I have no idea how to tell Jim. I decided that that would be worse. Besides, if Jim fainted, there would be people at work who could respond to it. If Brian passed out, I doubt his cat would have been able to call 911.

I wish there were more April Fool's Day jokes that weren't mean in some way or another. Sometimes you just want to prank someone without making them feel terrible. Then again, I guess most of the "funny" comes from how badly the person is taken in by the gag and their reaction. I don't really subscribe to that kind of "funny". I mean I really don't find those fake lottery tickets funny at all. I think they're horrible and if anyone ever tried to pull that one on me I'll make sure you pay that amount through an eBay auction of your (or your boyfriend's) balls. If you're lesbian or a single female, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Apart from feeling absolutely miserable I haven't been up to that much, unless you count backdating blog entries so that it looks like I've been blogging consistently through the month. I wonder if anyone else does that. Oh, this also means that if you see a new post, you should scroll down to the post before that to see if it's new too. If I write two posts in one day, I'll push one back a week (you can tell if they both have the same time stamp) just so that it doesn't look like I'm cramming all my posts up into one session. Everyone wants to look good in the eyes of history. Don't look at me like that.

Speaking of looking. I was on Yunxin/Kerri's blog and she had this post about a website that would take your pictures and compare it with other famous faces. Using the picture in my 3rd Anniversary post, Jim looks like Nicole Kidman and I look like Chow Yun Fat. Uhh, thanks ah. Other pictures of mine turn up Sammo Hung, Bill Gates and Kim Jong Il. I like to think that this is due to the fact that the face recognition algorithm needs to be improved, not because I'm incredibly unphotogenic. To be fair though, I've also got hits as Zhang Ziyi and Rachel Weisz - one of Jim's hits was Brad Pitt, although another was Ellen Degeneres.

Man the things you can do when you have time on your hands. I'm warning you - you really can end up uploading every single picture you have on your computer just hoping and praying that for that one magic picture where your top match is someone attractive. Considering everything, that could take a long time. Ha.

At any rate, I'm going to return to lying in bed (not that I'm not already) and stoning at the TV. I'm watching the Food Network right now, and I know I'm sick because nothing looks tempting, tasty or inspiring. Bah humbug.


posted by Joie! at 4:47 PM

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