Monday, January 08, 2007
So Here's Where I Stand
For the first time in my life I have Made a Decision.
See, what I was doing (and what I have been doing in the past) was waiting for circumstance to decide things for me. If A happens, I'll do X, if B happens, I'll do Y. For example: if Jim isn't bluffing and he really has condoms with him, I'll lose my virginity to him. On the living room floor of the ski resort timeshare my dad borrowed from his client, in the middle of the day when my entire immediate familiy (+ 1 uncle) could've walked in on us.
This time the equation was: if I get a scholarship from the University of Melbourne (>50% tuition) I will go. On the other hand, if my job tells me beforehand that they would like to retain me past my contract (with a good enough raise) I will defer my acceptance to the University and apply to other Audiology programs. Possibly some PhD programs because if I'm accepted, then I don't have to decide between attending a 2 year Masters and a 4 year PhD.
The problem was that it was getting closer and closer to the start of term (and I didn't check when the deadline was for getting my 25% of the first year's tuition deposit back was). The university still hadn't made a decision regarding my scholarship application. The managers at my job was still sifting through all the seasonal hires and from conversations with the permanent employees, I discovered that the best raise I could hope for fell very
short of the wage I was willing to work for. Sure, I could apply elsewhere for a position, but that could mean months before I find a position with pay and duties that I would gladly attend - only to drop it for school in the fall (if I get into an American program) or in the spring (if I decide to go with Melbourne after all).
Three sleepless nights in another ski resort timeshare later (curiously, also spent in the living room, albeit on a sofa bed this time) I decided. I'm going to Melbourne and doing a Masters by coursework in Clinical Audiology.
How am I going to pay for it? My dad's only offered to pay 2x/conversation that we've had over the past year (which admittedly, we don't talk much, which is why the frequency of the offer is a better measure).
How do I feel about that seeing as how I've been trying to establish myself as separate from them? Or how I've been trying to get myself into a comfortable dynamic with them (which involves their recognition of me as an inidividual whose decisions are of value) - that hasn't happened yet?
Here's my take on it. I've been living apart from them for 4 years. I've just started talking to them again for the last 1.5-2 years. In the time I've been away I've been successful in a skilled job (top of my class at dealer school
), lived in very comfortable living arrangements and graduated with honours in an extremely competitive program. Has this changed the way I'm perceived by my parents?
To them Jim's still a no-account loser who is a phase I would most certainly outgrow. The jobs I've held have been excercises in wage-slavery at best, abject horror (croupier) at worst, and that I've been living in dumps the whole time. No matter what I do, the situation to them will be that I need their help and support and guidance because anything I achieve on my own/decide for myself is juvenile and stupid - a result of misplaced confidence in myself and my abilites.
So, why not exploit that? Exactly. Ladies and Gents, my dad's going to be paying for everything
. Great innit?
posted by Joie! at